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Thoughts about being alone

November 5th, 2009 at 02:51 am

Very not financial. Maybe controversial. But I would like to hear your guys' thoughts...

My cousin C is 28 years old. She has recently been having trouble with an ovary, and had a cyst the size of a softball that burst. She had to go in and have exploratory surgery, and in the course of that, they determined that one ovary had a growth in it, so they removed the burst cyst, removed the ovary and the fallopian tube on that side. She still has the other ovary, but they are still running tests, and it might be cancer such that they will need to take everything out.

C is single and has never been married, though has had quite a few long term boyfriends. She has no kids. She is staring in the face the possibility of being infertile (and in her mind, alone) for the rest of her life, and in fact that life might not be that much longer, and it is tearing her apart.

I saw her yesterday and had a good visit. During the course of that visit, we started talking about how people who are married, and have kids, and especially are married early, just don't "get it". It is a conversation we have quite a bit.

I talked to another cousin J the other week. She just turned 30, and hasn't been on that many dates, let alone had a boyfriend. Obviously, no kids. J has another cousin, B, on the other side of the family that is also 30 and is having her 3rd kid. J's aunt said "B better quit having kids pretty soon...she's already 30!" J said "Remember who you are talking to here." It really upset her. Her cousin is too old to have her 3rd kid? And she isn't even remotely close to having her 1st? Again, some people just don't "get it".

As a reminder, I didn't get married until I was 30. And I miscarried and still don't have a child.

My sister R (who got married at 20 and had a daughter at 21) asked me today how C was doing. I told her the medical stuff and told her that C is still working through the same old stuff, but now it seems to be much more in-your-face. My sister said this:

"I feel sad that C does not see her self worth. It seems (without knowing all the whole details so I may be WAY off) that she gets in relationships just because she is lonely or because she insecure? She gets into a relationship but she does not commit to it or allow this person to get too close to her and jumps out. But she is lonely so she gets back into it. I think though, her sadness comes from some sort of unfulfillment that I don’t think that men and babies will be able to fill…"

I do acknowledge that sometimes people get in, and stay in, or go back to, relationships that they shouldn't be in because they are afraid to be alone. If you want to be married and the person you are with isn't the person you want to marry, you need to move on. But, the last sentence really got to me. After thinking about it for awhile, I wrote her back this:

"Don't take this the wrong way. But I'm going to say it anyway. As for the wanting husband and kids thing, I think that it is really easy for someone who got married out of college to not be able to get the utter frustration and despair you have when you are 10 years out of high school, dating ALOT, and be no closer to being married and having kids than you were the day you graduated. It is the only thing in this world that we do that working harder at won't help with. You just have to meet the right person. There is nothing you can do to change that. It is completely out of your hands. In that portion of your life, you are revving up your motor, but no one will change the light to green. Rev, rev, rev, still stuck there. That sucks. And now you have something wrong with you that may make it impossible to have the kid you want so much? I think she is handling it pretty gosh darn well. I wish once she knew that the person she was with wasn't the right person she would break it off right away instead of it lingering, though.

Look, when you are single, you are, by definition, selfish. What else is there to give of yourself too? Your relationship with God shouldn't change whether you are married or not. You can volunteer or whatever, but if you actually think that is a good solution, think about this: give up your husband and volunteer instead. No comparison, right? How about this: give up your daughter and volunteer instead. There is nothing that can replace your marriage bond or your bond with your children. If you think that is incorrect, please tell me what you would voluntarily give up your daughter for, in an across the aboard trade. NOTHING. So if you don't have those bonds, you are missing something. Nothing can replace those things. It doesn't equate to your self worth, but it is something that you are missing.

I probably got on a rant here that wasn't justified. But we talked about this last night. Heck, we talk about this all the time. I talked with J the other day, and she and I talked about the same thing. I know I am married now, but I still remember what it was like 3 and a half years ago before I met DH. Exactly the same. And people just don't get it.

Ok, off my soap box. I would like to hear what you say about my rant Smile"

This isn't going to piss R off. She knows that I am very thoughtful in all I do, and she will read this in a spirit to try to really get what I am saying. (She responded to say she would write back later when she had time to think about it.)

But, I wonder, what do my saving advice friends think? Am I way off base here? Or am I on to something?

13 Responses to “Thoughts about being alone”

  1. lizajane Says:
    1257392113

    I think that it's so easy for people to THINK they know how they would handle situations, but no one really knows until the situation happens to them. Your reply to her sounded pretty on target to me.

    I hope things turn out ok for C.

  2. LuxLiving Says:
    1257424320

    Having love to give and being lonely and now ill? SUCKS ROTTEN EGGS!!!

    I was late to the kiddo game myself so I know. That clock that wasn't ticking in my early twenties started going gangbusters in my late twenties. The girl who thought she didn't want kids, turned out she wanted them very badly! After finding Hubster and then turning out to have my own fertility problems? Created quite some emotional & trying times & yes, even financially disruption times.

    I also spent some ill-considered time with some guys that were great to look at, and I enjoyed their company very much, but either by life-values or work-ethics, they weren't the right life-mate for me. I had to 'move it along' with the last couple of fellows after realizing they were nice guys, just not MY nice guy.

    Here's praying C and J find the relationships they need.

    Don't let them forget, adoption is also an option for children.

    And, yes, people can be very insensitive - about what they unthinkingly say in the immediate vicinity of someone who may be alone, but not by choice, or someone who doesn't have children yet but wants them.

    I have a niece who DOESN'T want children based on her own temperment and her husband's illness, they aren't having any children. People can be heartlessly rude in the opposite situation too. "When are you two lovebirds going to have kids?" Then being shocked and awed when she lets fly on them. They have pets that are their outlet to give some of that love and they also shower love on their cousins and their nieces and nephews.

    Tis my belief that we all need to watch our sensitivity levels when we make rash statements or queries. Though sometimes I do goof big time and stick my big foot in it.

    I think C and J are lucky to have such an understanding cousin as you.

  3. monkeymama Says:
    1257430016

    I actually don't agree.

    Probably depends on the situation, but when it comes to my single friends desperate for kids and marriage, there seems to be a common theme of being extremely unrealistic. The other common theme is being "desperate for kids and marriage."

    This is the thing when I met my husband at age 18. (YEs, I am one of those). I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. I wasn't interested in kids or marriage. But I *knew* this was a guy I could not let go. I compromised a lot to keep him, and he was well worth it.

    My older, single friends would never compromise on anything. They get very set in their ways. I am sure I would too. But I don't believe it is 100% not their fault that they are not settling down. I think every year that passes makes it harder to find Mr. Right.

    With the rest of your rant though, I totally agree. People do need to be a little more sensitive. People say stupid things all the time. I am sure C & J appreciate someone who can relate a bit. & I think it is a lot easier to settle down younger, for various reasons. More fish in the sea, and you are less set in your ways with youth. All of that gets harder with age. I always see both sides of the story, and am certainly sympathetic to my single friends too. I'd say they have their issues, but they face a very different dating playing field than I ever did - I understand that too.

  4. momcents Says:
    1257430849


    I don't actually agree in totally either.

    I am another one who married her husband at 20 (met him at 17). We've been married for 20 years and have six children (five surviving). Started having the kids at 28.

    My best friend is now 44 (far older with limited chances for love and kids than C & J). She squandered plenty of chances for the normal kind of guy who would marry/provide for her and a family. BUT they were all boring while she wanted excitement. She is still looking for love in all the wrong places, bars, etc. I told her to open up opportunities through a singles group at Church (should she ever find one that she likes) or a class for a hobby or a volunteering opportunity. None of this is an acceptable option to her, yet she complains about not having a man.

    I think that everyone needs to chill out and not worry about everyone else's business. I agree that it must be awful to want to be in a relationship and not be. But I also think that if it becomes an unhealthy obsession, potential mates might be squared away. (Hell, my brother was on a date with a woman who told him her eggs were getting old - yikes!)

    I also think the key here is overidentifying one's self with one facet of the personality. I am a wife and mother and I'd never trade that. But my kids will all be in school one day and the degree of mothering I do on a daily basis will be diminished. My kids will need me less. My husband works two jobs and I see him not as much as I would like. I'm also a friend and a daughter and a sister and a granddaughter. Just because some one desires something so much leads me to think they might be let down or gloss over the realities of life.

    Each walk has its own trials and tribulations and triumphs.

  5. cptacek Says:
    1257431270

    lol. Interesting points. Also interesting...the two people who disagree with me to some degree have "mom" in their screen names and were married right after high school. Smile
    Can't say more now...have to work. I'll respond more when I get home. Thank you all for taking this in a philosophical way, and not think I am attacking anyone!

  6. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:
    1257437067

    Well, my screen name sort of speaks of a strong countercultural woman who literally went down (unmarried and childless) in flames, yet my answer is, "It depends." Yes, your Sister R might be right about Cousin C, but she may be wrong. I sure don't have enough info to judge.

    I did not marry or have kids right after high school or college. I was immersed in, um, extreme volunteering at the time I met my now DH. He was doing the same. Both being so committed to the volunteer work told us upfront we had a tremendous amount in common and gave us the chance to get to know each other in a very thorough way. For me, the feeling of that volunteer commitment was akin to being in love, believe it or not. But I don't recommend it as an alternative to romantic relationship! "Extreme volunteering" (sorry don't want to explain it here) has to come from a strong desire to do just that, not from a strong desire to have some distraction from wanting something else, like marriage or kids.

  7. Broken Arrow Says:
    1257438427

    Very, very interesting thoughts.

    I was married when I was 23 (which in my book is still too young), and now I am divorced.

    I face life knowing that I failed, and I face the prospect that I will be single for the rest of my life. And there is nothing I can do about that.

    I say that not because I don't think people should not try to improve their situations. I say that in the context that I agree we can't change other people, and that we shouldn't be with someone just because we're lonely.

    So, while I certainly do not claim that I can fully relate, I do know what you mean by trying to accept my single status, and to do the best that I can, working with the hand that I have been dealt.

  8. gamecock43 Says:
    1257439842

    I def think you brought up a good point CPack regarding the bonds of marriage and children being irreplaceable. I never thought of it that way.

    But I also think that SOME people not married (I dont know about kids)believe that the magic of life doesnt start till you get married. They are desperate to get married because they want the fairytale part of life to start. It is just as easy to be unhappy in a marriage than happy. It truely depends on who the husband is. It's important to discriminate between the woman who wants to be married and the woman who wants to "spend her life with the right man." Your cousin sounds like the latter because she does break off long term relationships versus marrying the first committment to come along.

    I have also been made paranoid being nearly 30 and still trying NOT to have a kid with my husband and you guys have all talked of pregnancy problems! You all sped up my biological clock with those viewpoints!

  9. frugaltexan Says:
    1257442958

    I agree with what you said. I could've married out of college, but he wasn't right for me. I don't see marriage as the be all or the magical beg. Of real life. Connections to parents or siblings or even best friends are not the same as that connection between two people who are right for each other. The world views a 30+ single never married woman differently.

    I don't think people who married young totally get how difficult it is to meet anyone quality once you're out of the college age or under 50. I've tried the compromising - dated outside of my faith - but it just doesn't work. I've met people via the Internet, via dating clubs, and even through a lifestyles program. Yet I'm still single - in fact, I haven't been on a date since I ended my last relationship nearly two years ago. Not that I haven't wanted to, but I've not met anyone who was single and reasonably close in age. (I've been asked for my # by complete strangers - at the library once, and another time at the junkyard. So not safe
    !)

    It doesn't seem like I'm alone in this - most of the profiles that pop up on the singles site geared towards my faith have been on there as long as I have, if not longer.

    I hope your cousin w/ the ovarian cysts doesn't have cancer. Wanting children while at least having the slim possibility that it might happen one day is one thing, but to know there is no possibility? My heart goes out to her.

  10. cptacek Says:
    1257473410

    Well, I've been glad to get all the emails today, so I've had time to think about what you all have said. I hope my first response didn't offend anyone...it just struck me as funny.

    Thanks, lizajane and Lux. I try to be understanding, and even though C jokingly says I "switched teams" she knows I get it.

    Monkeymama, you said that when you met your husband, you just "KNEW". Well, two weeks after I met my husband, I just "KNEW" as well...I was just 10 years older than you were. Every other guy I had dated before that, either immediately (so I broke up with him) or after the fact (when he broke up with me), I knew that those other guys weren't right for me. It would have been a mistake for me to compromise for them, as you indicate your friends should. You may have compromised a lot to make your relationship work, but you didn't compromise on that important feeling of knowing he was the right person for you. You can't, and most importantly, shouldn't. That would be the real act of desperation.

    momcents, you bring up a good point. Some people do show their desperation, and on a first (or tenth!) date, that is definitely a turn off! But I think that may be a comportment issue, or how the listening party feels about the speaker, even. I was very upfront with DH when we first started dating. Pretty much told him that I wasn't going to mess around with someone who didn't have the same goals as me, because it was a waste of my time. I guess if we had broken up, he could have told his buddies about the crazy chick that was talking about her egg timer Smile but it was very important to me to not waste a year on someone who wasn't right for me.

    Very interesting, Joan. I like how you put that about your desire to volunteer versus using volunteering as a distraction from something else you want.

    Broken Arrow, I can relate to your feelings of failure. Someone else might insist "YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!eleventy!!1!" but that is just glossing over someone else's feelings because we don't talk that way in polite conversation. Life deals some pretty tough hands, and we do need to deal with them the best way we can. Squashing someones feelings with platitudes is dishonest and doesn't acknowledge what they are going through.

    gamecock, I have been struggling with how to express myself about this for years now, and I think explaining that it is the bond that is so important makes the most sense. I think I'm going to induct you into the "get it" club Smile because of the differentiation between someone who wants to be married and someone who wants to meet the right man.

    frugaltexan, I hear ya. All the guys I met in Dallas were so not my type. I think I was more masculine than most of them were! Totally a turn off. But you go on a few dates, a few blind dates, a few group dates, and no one sparks any interest, and then all of a sudden you look back and think "I haven't had a date in a year". I tried to start a singles group at my church, and that sucked. 20 women over 25 and 2 guys who were a little on the magoo side Smile All the suggestions people give simply are given to try to fix something they don't know how to fix. My cousin H met her husband while she was walking out of a mall and he held the door for her. How random is that? I met my husband in a bar 8 hours from Dallas, but 10 miles from my parents house! Small, small, small towns around here and I had been going to that bar about once every two months for a year (cause I was coming up to visit C) and had never met him before. I mean, that is totally random! So, my advice? Start hanging out at JC Penney's in Phoenix (yes, I know you are by Dallas) and just go in and out for a few hours at a time, and things will work out! lol But somehow, giving advice of "hang out at a coffee shop" or "join a church group" or "join a sports team" is given credence.

    And thank you everyone for your prayers for C. I will update when I know anything.

  11. LostNThoughts Says:
    1257990933

    I am going to stay neutral, though I see both points.

    I think that those who have not dealt with being alone and wanting so bad to be with someone will never know the feeling. They should be careful (as we all should in any situation) to state your point without poking eyes (unless, of course you mean to, but that's just mean!)

    Those who are alone should try to understand that when people say those things, they know they screwed up, (usually right after they say it) and they didn't say it with the intention of hurting you. It is just the social norm to be married early, but either way works (marrying late OR early, both have been known to flourish or fail).

    Where hard feelings come in is where people take huge offense when a comment is accidently let fly (or not even a comment, just a situation!!). For example: I have a niece, K, who is getting married at the age of 21. Her sister, L, is not to that point at the age of 35. Where the problem comes in is that L can't even be happy for K b/c she is so stuck on herself being alone. Just be happy for K already! I understand the difficulty, but it shouldn't ruin your life.

    I also agree with random timing and chance meetings. At the age of 45 (believing that I would never marry) I met my husband after he stopped me for speeding on the highway! (And then went on to adopt 2 beautiful boys.)

    In conclusion, I think where a lot of women go wrong in this situation is they try excessively hard, and then go crazy when they're not getting results. YOU CAN'T RUSH LOVE. Some people are lucky to find it early, some have to wait (but are still lucky!). God has a plan. Sit back, relax, and wait for Price Charming. Don't hunt him down with a Bowie and tell him your eggs are getting old Wink It's a bit intimidating, and not in the least flattering. A wise man once told me, "Wearing desperate like a gown will leave you the loneliest girl at the ball".

  12. cptacek Says:
    1258178057

    I think that you bring up a good point. L should be happy for K. But you know what else is going through L's mind? "I bet I have to get up for that damned bouquet toss, being thrown by my younger sister." (And no, that little spotlight on single people didn't make an appearance at my wedding.)

    As for those of you who say "so don't go out there" well, there's these things called microphones. And when your dad is running the microphone, yelling your name to come out to the middle of the dance floor along with the 15 year olds who shouldn't even be dating yet, well, you just have to go out there and look bored for a few minutes. Or you could be one of two single women at the entire dance. I've had both experiences. Both suck.

  13. terri77 Says:
    1321850063

    Being single and 33, I love your letter to your sister and your follow-up comments.

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