Next Monday is DH and my first anniversary. He is planning on coming down Sunday and staying that night and Monday night and leaving Tuesday morning. I'm going to work on Monday and then we'll go out to eat that night. We'll be staying at a hotel, because even though he can stay where I stay, I don't think he is comfortable with it.
So, we've been married a year. That means for a whole year now, we've been living together for half the week. I keep looking for jobs by where I live, but inevitably they pay half (or less!) of what I make now. I haven't gotten any hits on virtual work from Monster or any of the specific companies I am subscribed to. I have one company interested in me, but they can't hire me until the economy turns around. But I talk to that manager every few months...
I was talking to my sister this morning on the way to work and she pretty much told me she thought I was being selfish and a bad wife for keeping my job this far away from home. That we really aren't experiencing being married because we aren't together every night. And that I might just have to suck it up and take a job for half pay up there. And what if we have kids? Where will day care be? Who will take care of the kid? etc., etc., etc...
I told her, if I get a job paying half, I'll just work half time down here (2 10 hr days) and then I'll have the other 5 days with DH. She told me it would be better to work full time for half the pay so I wouldn't be gone for one night.
I don't think she understands how much we rely on my income. I am floating the farm right now, and to be honest, if I lose my job, we will have to sell everything. Like, within a month or two. My bank hasn't even approved us for a cattle loan for this year. When I told my dad that, he was very surprised and started to worry if we couldn't get a loan then the bank must really be tightening the screws. If we lose my income, we definitely won't be expanding, and paying off what we have now wouldn't be possible. If we go down to half of my income, we'd probably have to sell alot of what we have now.
Eventually the farm should pay for itself...it just takes time and expanding hurts the pocketbook.
I am hurt that she thinks I am selfishly keeping my corporate job for glamor or something. It is IT for God's sake. Not a lot of glamor there! I am sacrificing a lot to keep this job. I actually hate it. I like the work, and if I could work at home it would be great. I would love to be home every night. But how the hell would we do that?
If I was selfish and only wanting money and glamor because of my job, I would make DH sell the farm and we would move back to my old job in Texas, and then get a TDY to Washington DC or something. That really brings in the money. But he would hate that (and so would I) and he has said if disaster strikes and we have to sell the farm, he would be a long haul trucker again, and I wouldn't see him any more than now anyway!
I just feel like I am (we are) sacrificing a lot and it hurts me when my family thinks I am doing something wrong and for selfish reasons. It is totally NOT for selfish reasons!
So, give up? Take a job with a $40,000 - $50,000 paycut? Work half time? Or suck it up and keep the same schedule until the farm gets rolling?
Is it time to give up?
January 20th, 2009 at 05:12 am
January 20th, 2009 at 05:43 am 1232430235
If you'd like to ask her advice, that's one thing, but this is your marriage and the only opinions that matter are yours and your DH's.
Maybe it's time to lay down the law and tell your family, with as much love as possible, to shut their yappers! :-)
Good luck with whatever you guys decide.
January 20th, 2009 at 05:56 am 1232430988
To be fair, I think the rest of the family knows why we are doing what we are doing. I even think she knows in her head why we are doing what we are doing. But I think this sister (the oldest) gets something in her head and then beats it to death.
Her and her husband both have semi-paying jobs, but they are frugal and they make it pretty well. I am sometimes surprised at how little they make (I say that in a good way, don't take that wrong) because they are always doing fine. Today she said she was going to save up so she could buy a laptop, so it will take 3-4 months, but then she could get one. That is good! Don't buy it on a credit card, and get a deal. Awesome.
But at the same time, her husband is working as a shop manager and supervisor at a lawn care company and could have his own company and make even more than he is now, but he is scared to do it. He is afraid that he might fail at it.
I could hammer her for not sacrificing something so he could have his own business. But if that won't work for them, no use beating them up over it.
If he was working at a regular job and I was working at a regular job and we were this far apart, yes, that would be stupid. But we are trying to build something here that could last generations. It isn't like we are just blowing money for fun!
January 20th, 2009 at 06:27 am 1232432825
Back in the day, when I worked in the corporate world, I traveled as many as 120 days a year, and was sometimes gone for as long as 5 weeks at a time. It was tough on my husband the first year (he was a new immigrant and really didn't know many people and hadn't yet learned how to keep house or cook), but then he adjusted and I think he even liked it sometimes (able to leave his socks on the bathroom floor, etc). Thank goodness my family never gave me grief about it.
I remember that once my husband did complain to my MIL about my being away so much, and she scolded him and told him he should thank me and offer emotional support instead of griping! Never heard a peep out of him after that.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am 1232448332
January 20th, 2009 at 01:51 pm 1232459486
While I agree with what everyone has said, I do think that when it comes to starting a family (should you chose to) this might not be the most ideal situation.
Of course, I say that from the POV of a SAHM whose DH has a corporate job and makes enough money to cover our bills. And I have learned that you will never make everyone happy all of the time.
Happy anniversary! Do what works for you.
January 20th, 2009 at 01:51 pm 1232459486
January 20th, 2009 at 04:00 pm 1232467228
January 20th, 2009 at 04:37 pm 1232469477
My husband worked in another city and was gone 4-5 days every week when we moved to our current home. Was for about a year. Until we were ready for kids (& he was laid off).
Anyway, the nest egg we had from his income was invaluable when we had kids.
OF course the situation is not ideal for when you have kids. But may be more important to make the money while you have the flexibility, so you can take the pay cut when you have kids. My 2 cents.
You know, it wasn't a schedule we wanted for 5 or 10 years. BUT for a year or 2 or 3 it wasn't that big of a deal. & it was FAR harder on hubby than me. I am sure the commute takes a toll on you; only you can really decide when enough is enough.
January 21st, 2009 at 03:53 am 1232510009
Yes, this is just temporary. I had a mantra when I was in grad school. "I can do anything for 2 years" cause that was how long it took to get the master's degree. Hopefully, this won't take that long, though!
January 21st, 2009 at 05:08 am 1232514534
My wife used to work nights for the first two years of our marriage and I worked days. It was funny as sometimes we'd be talking from the cars some mornings passing each other on the road.
I missed my wife something terrible. Our time together was very precious to me! We have had our ups and downs but we got the money together to move to the burbs as we wanted to. I hope you succeed at what you and hubby are planning.
Happy First Anniversary!
February 3rd, 2009 at 04:49 am 1233636599
Also: if you were a selfish and money hungry fiend, you wouldn't put "your" money into the effort of the joint goal that you and your husband both have. Your family relies on the income you make to keep things rolling. That comes with sacrifices. There is no shame in that.
You know what you're missing out on, and sure, its tough, but its what it takes. He understands and you understand. Its not what she's done, but you're not her. Different lives call for different decisions and situations. This is one year of progress, one year of building so that future years will be better off for you and your family.
Happy Anniversary
February 3rd, 2009 at 05:03 am 1233637413