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I hope I'm not this way the rest of my life

August 14th, 2009 at 10:39 pm

Reading the forums has been a little hard lately w.r.t. the baby boomlet going on over there lately. I COMPLETELY understand the excitement, but I just want to quietly pipe in and say a little circumspection may be prudent. Especially with some of them so early on in their pregnancy.

I know that the easiest way to stop a conversation cold is to mention you had a miscarriage. It is very uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, you don't know what to say...so you just wait three beats in awkward silence and then change the subject.

I hope that when I get pregnant again I can be as happy and excited as I was before, and not reserved, waiting for something to go wrong. But I do know that I won't be telling anyone (except DH and maybe parents/brothers/sisters) until after 12 weeks next time.

I just realized every post I've had on this blog since it has happened has had some reference to it. I hope I'm not being a party pooper to anyone!

18 Responses to “I hope I'm not this way the rest of my life”

  1. whitestripe Says:

    it's important to talk about it regardless of whether it might make others feel uncomfortable, and here you are even more entitled to because its your blog.
    DF's sister was so worried about her 2nd pregnancy due to her first being a miscarriage, that she did not even tell her mum or dad she was pregnant until the 12 week mark. i guess seeing DF's sis go through it all, my heart goes out to you as well. *hugs*

  2. Apprentice Bliss Hunter Says:

    Hey... you went through a major trauma... bring it up as much as you wish if doing so is helpful to you..

  3. mrs. Says:


    I'm hoping that you have a nice weekend. You've suffered a loss, talk about it. From one who has been there, it does get better.

  4. zetta Says:


    It's really hard when you've had a miscarriage or are going through infertility to have all these people popping up pregnant around you. I too cringe a little when I see people announcing a pregnancy so early, and hope all goes well for them. When I finally did get pregnant, I found that after holding my breath for the first 3 months, I was able to settle in and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. Here's hoping some of my good fortune will come your way...

  5. monkeymama Says:

    It will get better with time.

    From my perspective, people are always going to be excited about pregnancy. I know way too many people who have lost babies 20-40 weeks. NExt we will say they better keep quiet until the baby is born. Not exactly fair.

    I'm on the other end - I have a relative who has been through so many miscarriages and heartbreak I could never imagine and wouldn't know where to begin. She will likely never have a biological child. But we can never talk about our kids or see her any more. That's really her loss. Life does move on. Her own mother delivered a stillborn and has much joy in her life today - though she talks about her buried baby often. I can assure you that talking and time will make it easier. Not sure anything every makes it "easy."

    I am very sorry for your loss and think a break from the forums may be good. I definitely noticed that it seems to be seriously going around. When it's early and fresh I think an environment like this is certainly a bit much.

  6. FrugalFish Says:

    I'm sorry about your baby. I miscarried twins almost 2 years ago. Very few people know and I feel like I grieve alone to this day. It feels like they were real only to me.

    Generalized anxiety sometimes rears its head after miscarriage (often in people who are predisposed to anxiety to begin with), so keep an eye out for that sort of thing as time passes. I've had a terrible time since mine.

  7. Petunia Says:

    Grief takes the time it takes. . . it's okay to put up a bit of a fence and tend your wounds for a while. No one can really say how long is too long. I grieved my losses in this area for a very long time. Feel free to avoid certain situations for a while. . . in time those situations will become easier.

  8. cptacek Says:

    Thank you, everyone, for being understanding. I really don't lay around all day moping about it...just when someone brings it up. I guess I'm using my blog as more of a diary than anything, because writing a post makes me really delve into my thoughts, and there it is, just under the surface.

    And I am grateful that I am not jealous of others. I am just cautious now, and want others to be cautious as well. Kind of like if you are in a car wreck, you want others to drive safer so they don't have to go through it like you did. But in both instances, there is nothing you can do about it (bad things happen, accidents are accidents).

    It's been two months. It will get better with time.

  9. zakity Says:

    **hugs** I am so sorry. It does get better over time though. Really, it does. It does take a while though. Mourn and do it the way you need to. Don't feel guilty for it and don't worry about what other people say/think.

  10. boomeyers Says:

    When you grieve, you'll grieve and when your done grieving, you'll be done grieving. Only you will be able to set when this happens and until then, I respect your request for understanding. Nuff said!

  11. ceejay74 Says:

    I'm so sorry this happened to you, cp. If it helps you worry less, I'm well aware of the risks of an early pregnancy and of possible birth defects threatening the life of an infant, especially for an older pregnant woman such as myself. I figured if the worst happened, I'd be sharing my pain with this community (as you have) so why not share my (tentative) joy?

  12. frugaltexan75 Says:

    Having never been pregnant, I have no idea what it would be like to lose a child before it was even really formed. But I do think that if it ever happened to me, that it would be extremely difficult to see others having children, etc. Take as much time as you need to grieve. There is no time limit on grief. It may get better as time passes, but don't let anyone tell you that you've grieved long enough. Only you can determine that.

  13. cptacek Says:

    ceejay, I hope I didn't harsh your mellow with my post on your blog =) I sure didn't mean to.

  14. lizajane Says:

    Two months is not a long time at all to be grieving. And, no, I don't think you'll be like this for the rest of your life. I think a heightened sense of awareness or caution or whatever to call it is perfectly normal. You've been thru something awful, and wanting to spare others the potential risk is part of your nature. But you're right, you can't protect everyone.

  15. Thrifty Ray Says:

    I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Your timetable for grief is just that...yours. And, it is perfectly understandable that others excitement can cause your heart to ache. The title of this post says much...and eventually, you won't be "this way"...but allow yourself time, your loss was significant. {{hugs}}

  16. asmom Says:

    Cptacek,

    I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks so I understand. It does take time and it is important that you don't rush yourself or feel guilty about your feelings which you are entitled to after all. It's hard but as they say, time works wonders.

  17. HELPmeFriend Says:

    Aren't we here to voice our opinions and concerns? That would be one of yours. Some people need to talk and get their feelings out to heal from something like that. Some people hold it in and share with no one. You are not one of these people. Don't worry about how your feelings may affect ours. Just make yourself feel better, however that is?

  18. lizajane Says:

    I just heard about an organization that may be helpful to you, although I don't know all their locations or anything like that. www.mend.org. It is a support group for people that have suffered a pregnancy or baby loss. I thought of you when I heard a woman talking about it on the radio.

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